Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
