I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
