you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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