I looked at my own cervix.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I had to cum in my sink.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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