Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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