Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
