All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
