oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
