Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
