You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
