You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The uberlube is also flammable
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
ok first of all what the fuck
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
