Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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