he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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