At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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