I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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