Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
