Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
