Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
