[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
When did angry sex become our thing?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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