well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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