His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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