Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
