theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
