She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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