i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
