Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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