Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
