went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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