Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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