My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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