Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
