well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
