I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Say something about gay babies.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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