I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
