Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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