i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
