If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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