I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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