Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
