I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
