So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
smell my finger.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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