I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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