you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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