dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
