Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
