he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
