Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
