My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
a search helicopter?!
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
