RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
