420 ftw
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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