if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
