when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
