just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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