Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
